In Memory of Cupcake

Wednesday, December 04, 2019

I know it’s not our typical fashion shot but this is us. This is our life right now. I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do yesterday. I said goodbye to my furbaby. 
It all happened so fast, I didn’t have time to prepare - she was sick, but I thought it was just another spell and she would pull out of it with some extra care and love like she did a few months ago. 
We had taken her to her vet a few months ago and he said everything was fine, he said her blood work looked fine and determined her excessive thirst was behavioral or a disease that couldn’t be treated, but wasn’t deadly. We believed him and just got used to her drinking and needing to pee all the time. She got better, started eating well again and was happy again. We thought she was ok.
Last week she started to have accidents in the house - often and in large amounts and lost a lot of weight really quickly. We were scheduled to go out of town Thursday through the weekend to Branson. 
She wasn’t doing well at all so we took her with us and ended up cutting our Branson vacation short and headed up to the farm for the weekend - this way I could have her with me the whole time and while we still could be ‘on vacation/relaxing’. We thought she was getting better - she was walking around and even wagged her tail and got excited when Chris came back in from hunting. She was eating more than she had in a while and seemed to be getting around better than she was on Thursday when we left. She tried to follow me everywhere as best as she could and I carried her any time I had an open arm. She was sluggish on Sunday but did eat a little.
I worked on Monday and she seemed weak and tired but was ok in the morning. I gave her a few syringes of Nutrical/Pedialyte to get something in her belly. She was a little uncoordinated but the poor thing had lost a third of her body weight at this point so there wasn’t much muscle left. By the afternoon she wasn’t moving much and had refused to eat anything on her own all day. Chris even cooked up a steak to try to get her to eat something, but she refused. 
We decided it was time to take her to a different vet to get another opinion - one we had previously gone to when another pet was very sick. 
We had her file transferred from her normal vet and after reviewing the blood work from a few months ago, he determined that she was not ok then. The blood work was not fine. He ran new bloodwork to compare and determined it was likely an insulinoma and there was nothing they could do. There is a surgery but even the docs at WashU haven’t performed it successfully, not to mention Cupcake wouldn’t have survived the anesthesia alone in the state she was in. At her size, anesthesia was risky when she was healthy. 
He advised that we could take her home, syringe nutrical, baby food and syrup into her and hope for the best - but he didn’t think she would last a week. 
Chris went and picked up baby food and we did as the vet advised, giving her syrup and baby food every few hours. It didn’t seem to really help. 
She was so sweet in her final hours with us. I could tell she knew it was time when she wanted to go into her cage and could barely walk into it. 
We woke Daphnie up and told her she needed to come say goodbye as we weren’t sure she would make it through the night at this point. 
Chris made me a palette on the floor and I laid down to sleep with her for the night, I couldn’t leave her. She could sense my sadness and slowly walked out of the cage and came and fell as she came to lay with me. She knew I needed that.  
I couldn’t sleep, I was constantly checking her to make sure she was still breathing. A few hours in, she could still move her head a little but couldn’t move anything else. I could tell by her movement that she wanted so badly to get up and walk. My heart was broken. I tried to move her and position her as comfortably as I could. I just laid there and pet her telling her I loved her and that it was ok trying to keep her as calm and peaceful as possible. 
I still hoped that with some rest she would be better in the morning. 
By early morning she couldn’t move at all. I desperately tried to syringe some syrup into her mouth, hoping to give her a little boost. It didn’t help. In the process by force of gravity she had peed on me, she couldn’t control it. I had to clean her up and wrapped her in a towel. Chris said it was time, and I agreed we couldn’t keep her like this. She had nothing left, she gave it all she had. 
We took her back to the animal hospital. I held her tiny head and gave her all the comfort I could as the little life she had left, escaped her tiny body. I crumbled. I couldn’t breathe. 
We loved on her before wrapping her up in the towel and taking her home. Being home without her running around was hard. We grabbed a big tupperware, gathered her favorite toy and a blanket and a cute drawing Daphnie had made and set out for the family cemetery at my grandparents farm. 

We picked a spot and Chris dug a hole. I didn’t want to let her go. It was cold down there and I would have to leave her there. I crumbled again, telling her I was sorry and that I loved her so much. 
Leaving her was so hard. It sounds weird but having her with me, even lifeless and sealed away safely in tupperware, was easier than not at all. I miss her. The house is not the same. Such a tiny little thing had such a huge impact on our lives and in our home. It doesn’t feel like home without her. She left such a big hole in our lives. 

Life with Cupcake

I know some people think ‘oh it’s just a dog’ but Cupcake was so much more than that. She was a prominent member of our family and I miss her so much. 
I have always referred to her as my little Too-muh (in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice of course). She was always attached to me, sometimes literally as I would carry her around in my jacket. 
With her family was her favorite place to be. She was not content unless we were all home. In the fall when Daphnie goes back to school it always took her a few days before she would stop pacing the house all day. 
Any time I would leave the house, she would bite at my feet as if begging me to not leave. When we would return, you could see her in the window, already whining and crying for us to hurry and open the door! She would burst out of the door and greet each person. If someone was missing (like after I took Daphnie to school) she would greet me then circle the car, waiting for Daphnie to emerge.  I’d call her back inside, and she’d search the house as if Daphnie somehow snuck by her. She was never fully at peace until we were all home, every noise outside-she would need to investigate until we were all at home. 
When I worked, she slept peacefully on my lap - until the mailman came - and then she tore through the house to the door barking and making a fuss - until I opened the door and she greeted him with whole body wags and whining as she just loved attention. 
When I got done working for the day she would follow me around the house, sit on my feet, or perch on the top of the couch staring at me asking with her eyes if it was time to cuddle on the couch for the evening. If I went to the bathroom, she went with me. When we ate she curled up on my lap. When I did my hair/makeup she slept on my feet or curled up on the rug. When I showered she curled up on my dirty clothes. Until the last few years at bedtime she would sleep up against my stomach under the covers, the last few years when she was tired, she would jump down from the couch with me and go sniff the front door and then the back door - doing her security check and then we would tell her to go sleep with Daphnie...she would sleepily meander back to Daphnies room and jump into her bed with her for the night. While I was sad that she didn’t sleep with me anymore, I was so thankful for her love and protection of Daphnie. 
There is nothing I can do without thinking about her or our routine - she was always there. She was a part of me.
I am not ok. I feel broken. It doesn’t feel real. My heart is shattered. A piece of me is missing and I will never get it back. I miss her sweet little face so much and would have done anything to save her.

To Cupcake-

Oh cup I miss you so much. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I’m sorry I chose the wrong vet. I’m sorry I didn’t know it was all going to happen so fast and that I thought it was just a bad spell. I’m sorry for any time I made you sad or got frustrated with you. I love you so much and I couldn’t miss you more. 
Thank you for always being there, for being the sweetest and giving the best snuggles. For loving this family with everything you had. Thank you for your nightly routine security checks and for sleeping with Daphnie, watching over her. Thank you for your prompt removal of any animal in the yard you did not deem worthy (which was all of them, but especially those villianous birds!). Thank you for always keeping me company, for being the best work buddy and seeing me through every step of my day. Thank you for giving it everything you had. 
You were the best companion and my best friend. I am trying to find comfort in thoughts of you hopping around up in heaven, as happy as can be, shaking and squeaking your tuppy taco or curled up by a toasty fire. I hope you are happy and in peace. Watch over us and know that we will never forget you. We love you Cuppy Puff. 

9.10.2012 - 12.3.2019

With all our love. 

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